What John Cleese's divorce tells us about markets

Markets on both sides of the Atlantic took a wobble this week. Most commentators seemed to think it was a nasty American consumer confidence report that did the damage. But it wasn't the blame lies with John Cleese.

The Minister of Silly Walks was hit with a savage divorce settlement this week. And I bet it sent a chill through the City. The US courts decreed that the former Mrs Cleese, Faye Eichelberger, was entitled to half his earnings, half the value of his nine houses and a monthly allowance of £57,000. Fair enough, you say they were married for 17 years. But the total £12.5m payout also leaves Cleese poorer than his wife. "If we both died today," he grumbled from the court steps, "her children would get much more money than mine."

How could that stop the biggest stockmarket rally in 70 years dead in its tracks? Well, think about the devastating impact on bankers' personal finances if a wave of trophy wives followed in Faye's footsteps. There's plenty of evidence that they're itching to cut loose. According to the National Center of Health Statistics, the divorce rate in America has slumped to its lowest in 40 years. But not because couples are sticking together in a time of adversity. No, the truth is they just can't afford to break up low asset values and the sky-high cost of legal fees are keeping them together. For now.

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Across the US, estranged couples have packed up their stuff and moved to opposite ends of the same house. And they're sitting there now with one ear cocked to the financial news and their divorce lawyer on speed dial waiting to blow a fortune in the courts. As one divorce lawyer told the Orlando Sentinel, "Our clients are staying in the house together until the market improves."

Perhaps it just has. With bank bonuses back in style, many will be emboldened by Faye Eichelberger's example and push for the big payout. Now that would make markets jumpy. Want to know when this rally is really going to end? Look out for a rising divorce rate.

The secret of a long marriage

How do you stop money problems from destroying a marriage? Well, Robert Charlton thought he'd found the answer. For Robert and his wife, Elizabeth, the secret of a long marriage was simple, says Luke Salkeld in the Daily Mail. You just decide what each partner values the most and indulge in as much of it as possible.

For Elisabeth, it was diamonds. For Robert, it was young women. So every time Robert cheated on his wife, he would make up for it by buying her an expensive piece of diamond jewellery. Thanks to his lack of willpower, she assembled quite a horde 43 diamond encrusted items in total. This week, a selection of Mrs Charlton's jewellery went to auction, selling for nearly £300,000 in all. According to her family, the couple's arrangement meant their marriage thrived from when they were wed in 1948 until Mr Charlton died, aged 63, in 1974. "His daughter was fully aware of what was going on at the time it was no secret to anyone." The lessons? True love never dies. And a diamond is a man's best friend.

Tabloid money... Brown's promises are just twaddle

Gordon Ramsay has been busy "bleating" about his "hellish year", says Carole Malone in The News of the World. "The poor love is apparently devastated he's only made a £400,000 profit." Given the state of the economy and the fact that one in three school leavers is now out of work, "most companies would be ecstatic at having made a £4,000 profit let alone a £400,000 one." Unlike companies who have collapsed solely due to the credit crunch, Ramsay has brought about his own problems with his "greed, his sexual antics and his big mouth." But he is still blaming other people. He recently said: "The industry was getting arrogant. They forgot the customers are king." "No Gord YOU did."

Germany and France have exited recession and returned to growth. But here unemployment has hit a 15-year high and the UK recession gets worse. "So much for Cap'n Brown's 'we're all in the same boat and it's all America's fault and I'm the man to save you all' twaddle," says Richard Madeley in the Daily Express. "The truth is the other boats are pulling away from us and ours is going down by the stern".

According to a new survey, women are less likely to buy something from a shop assistant who they think is better looking than them. If that were true, "I'd be wearing the clothes I wore in 1990," says Sue Carroll in the Daily Mirror. Most shop assistants leave home everyday looking immaculate and spend their days dealing with difficult, indecisive, often stroppy customers. "They are unsung heroes and I salute the lot of them with the exception of the snarling harpies in French boutiques who gaze haughtily at Brits like they're damage goods." If you are too sensitive to buy anything from someone better looking than you, "get a life or go shopping online."