Samuel Johnson said that a man who is tired of London is tired of life. Well, it may have been all right for him 250 years ago, said Bryony Gordon in The Daily Telegraph last week, but he "never had to spend 40 minutes wedged in a stranger's armpit on the Tube" a daily occurrence for those of us who live in "that vast, vomitous mass" that is sneeringly referred to by the wealthy these days as "Sarf London".
"He never had his toes broken by a wheely suitcase, and was never sworn at by a cyclist who careered into him after running a red light."
If Dr Johnson came to our capital now, says Gordon, he would be exhausted by it. "Can I let you in on a little secret? Nobody likes London, especially not the people who live in it."
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Vince Cable may have described it as a "giant suction machine draining the life" out of the rest of the UK, but maybe that's changing. Maybe we've hit a tipping point. The minority of Londoners who can afford not to use public transport may still like London, but the rest of us are trying, and often failing, "to make a living in a city that does its best to suck it out of us".
It's no surprise people in their 30s are now leaving like never before. (According to the Office for National Statistics, a record 58,220 people left between June 2012 and June 2013.) Many of these are moving to the country, others to smaller cities with greater charm, like Nottingham or Manchester.
Many of my 22-year-old brother's contemporaries from his London school, says Gordon, have decided to seek their fortunes elsewhere "they see no future in the capital". To them it is a city that has been "monopolised" by bankers, oligarchsand celebrities. Soon it will be "nothing but a playground for the wealthy that doubles up as a tourist attraction".
This makes Gordon feel nostalgic, but also "hardens my resolve to up-sticks as soon as we can and shove our one-and-a-bit bedroom flat on the market".
The Fairy Godmother
How does Linda Gray still manage to look so amazing at 74? The former Dallas star, who's about to play the Fairy Godmother in a London pantomime, swears by daily walks and the odd piece of dark chocolate. "Don't we all wish that the face, eye, skin and tooth Fairy was as kind and generous to us," says Rachel Johnson in The Mail on Sunday.
What the heck is Black Friday?
There comes a moment in every man's life when "he must admit that he no longer fully understands what is going on",says Robert Crampton in The Times.One thing that triggered this moment for Crampton was Black Friday.
"What the heck is Black Friday, I thought. I've never heard of it before Oh OK, it's about spending money on stuff you don't need." Then, hard on the heelsof Black Friday, came Cyber Monday. "What the heck is Cyber Monday, I thought. I've never heard of it before Oh OK, it's about spending money on more stuff you don't need. Eee dear, whatever next?"
Tabloid money: pouting sex bomb moppet should stop whining
"Pouting sex bomb moppet Angelina Jolie has been thinking of moving her family to the UK," saysRod Liddle in The Sun. But she says she'd be put off by Labour's plans for a mansion tax. This is their policy of taxing houses worth more than £2m "to pay for stuff like the NHS".
Angelina says she wants to come here "because it would be nice to have a foothold' in this country. Ah, wouldn't it just, my minxy little love kitten. Do you know, an awful lot of people feel likewise. They'd quite like a foothold' here, too but can't afford the astronomical cost of our housing." The mansion tax might address that problem.
"I wonder if it's occurred to Angelina that she could sidestep the mansion tax and still have her bloody foothold' by the cunning ruse of buying a house for less than two million pounds. Is she aware that some houses cost less than two million, do you reckon?"
"I don't mind if the NHS wants to spend £12bn on gastric operations to extend the lives of two million fat people," says Carole Malone in the Sunday Mirror. "Not as long as it spends similar amounts on cancer patients who also want to live a bit longer but who are currently told their lives aren't as important as a load of fatsos who'd rather die than cut down on crisps and pizzas."
For her latest birthday, Lacie Pope's parents bought her outfits from Armani and Dior, a Swarovski crown and a child-sized, crystal-encrusted electric Audi car, says Jane Moore in The Sun. In all, they spent £2,000.
But now Lacie has decided to donate it all to cancer charities. "I guess she realised it's just too much for any child," said her mum. Thank heavens common sense has prevailed. "But how telling that it came from a six-year-old rather than the supposedly sensible adults."
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